Past Pains Ruin Present Life

It is said: “All problems are illusions of the mind.” Thoughts, feelings, sensations, perceptions, emotions, desires, impulses, reasonings, motivations and intentions are generated out of mind. Intensity of emotional reactions or negative impulsive behaviour and its longevity can impair or ruin your career, long-term relationship especially with your loved ones like, spouse, children, parents, in-laws, very close friends, etc., business or profession or whatever. 
Intensions, emotions, desires and impulses are deep rooted into past. Past connotes “embedded impressions” of past life i.e., actions done in previous birth or prior to present day in current life. The emotions of shame, guilt, sadness, and anger are related to past wounds that have not been more fully addressed. Some of us, driven by anxiety and fear, are preoccupied with the future, but the combination of our nature and nurture may make us vulnerable to envision our future constricted by our past.

A focused mind, not wandering into the past and future, is a peaceful, contented mind. Some specific techniques can be applied to harness our thoughts?

1. We should accept that we even others are human being with limited knowledge and more limited experience. Hence, we need to “To go away of Past mistakes”.
2. People have bad past memories – past life or this life esp. childhood’s memories. Cry them out, may be in lonely place or in forest.
3. Forgive Yourself, Forgive Others. Torturing yourself doesn’t help anyone and only hurts you. We are not saint to have enemies but for the sake of our own health and happiness, let’s at least forgive them and forget them.
4. Mindful Breathing
5. By chanting Om, listening music or pursuing your passion remove sadness and disappointments vanish and contentment grows.

Genesis of Tendencies & Impulses:
William Shakespeare quoted in Twelfth Night: “Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.” The fact is greatly debated by scientists and psychologists. It is discovered that partly genetic structure may be responsible for the tendencies.
The fact was mentioned by the ancient Hindu scientists (rishis) in Vedas, the oldest literature of world. To quote the references,

1. In Yajurveda (Chapter 39 verse 7):

“उग्रश्च भीमश्च, ध्वान्तश्च धुनिश्च, सासध्वाँश्चाभियुग्वा, न विक्षिपः स्वाहा।। “
Means: The soul after death, according to its actions and nature, becomes violent and calm; fearful and fearless; ignorant and enlightened; roaring and quiet; patient or impatient passionate and ascetic; disruptive and concentrative; prey to bewilderment.

1. In Bhagavad Gita (Chapter 3, verse 33), Bhagwan Krishna said:
2. सदृशं चेष्टते स्वस्याः प्रकृतेर्ज्ञानवानपि। प्रकृतिं यान्ति भूतानि निग्रहः किं करिष्यति।।“

 
Means: Mental tendencies, character, potentials etc. are formed by the virtuous and vicious karmas done in past.
Overt Reasons:

1. The research, by psychologists Matthew A. Killingsworth and Daniel T. Gilbert of Harvard University, is described in “The Harvard Gazette dated November 11, 2010” that a human mind is a wandering mind, and a wandering mind is an unhappy mind.  The ability to think about what is not happening is a cognitive achievement that comes at an emotional cost. Unlike other animals, humans spend a lot of time thinking about what isn’t going on around them: contemplating events that happened in the past, might happen in the future, or may never happen at all.
2. In 1994, two psychology researchers, Terence Mitchell and Leigh Thompson explained a phenomenon of “rosy retrospection” which often leads to “overblown expectations” in the mind. It dampens the pleasure of present. “We are hard-wired to give negative stimuli a lot more cognitive attention in the present,” Dr Thompson said.
3. We may be overly attached to the past when we are preoccupied in our thinking about what “should have” or “could have been.” Or, we may similarly be overly attached to the past when we intensely avoid thinking about it. This is true when we have had wounds that need to be addressed and mourned if we are to move on.
4. People with depression tend to remember more negative personal memories and fewer positive personal memories than those without depression. For example, someone with depression may remember failing an exam rather than remembering their academic successes.
5. We replay past mistakes of self or others over and over again in our head, allowing feelings of shame and regret to shape our actions in the present. We cling to frustration and worry about the future. We hold stress in our minds and bodies, destroying our present relationships, potentially creating serious health issues, and accept that state of tension as the norm.
6. Most of the time people dwells either in past or future. Both are cause of sorrows. The genesis of worries, anxieties and fears is caused due to dwelling our mind in future. On the other hand, thinking about past is the major cause of pain. Life, in fact exists in present moment. If, we are so caught up in worrying about yesterday, or dreaming about tomorrow, what do we lose?  We lose today!!  We are no longer present in the moment, and we lose those moments forever.  Such preoccupation undermines our capacity to more fully engage in our present or with our potential future.

 
Impact:

1. Our emotions often cloud our judgment in the heat of the moment, so we’re likely to record past experiences that were charged full of negative emotion with a strong untruthful bias in the mind.
2. We do not get stomach ulcers from what you eat. We get ulcers from what is eaten i.e., Fear, worry, hate, selfishness, inability to adjust, anxiety, etc.

Remedies – as per psychologists:

1. Dr Ethan Kross, a psychologist and the director of the University of Michigan Emotion and Self-Control Laboratory explained about “self-distancing” — “the ability to step outside yourself and view yourself from a more distanced perspective. Self-distancing has also been shown to reduce anxiety and depression, support self-reflection, and improve decision-making and emotion regulation, among other benefits.
2. The documentation process helps to separate the facts from the emotion and allows you to reflect on that past thought more accurately.
3. According to Dr. William Frey II, PH.D., biochemist at the Ramsey Medical Centre in Minneapolis, crying away your negative feelings releases harmful chemicals that build up in your body due to stress.

Remedies – as per Hindu Scriptures:

1. In Patanjali Yogsutra (1.2): - योगश्चित्तवृत्तिनिरोधः॥1.2॥

Yoga is the technique to control the mind from distractions and modifications. Mind has five states viz. highly agitated, distracted due to rajas (क्षेप), infatuated, fascinated due to tamas (मौढय), waving, moving due to sattva, able to be steady (विक्षेप), steady due to pure sattva (एकाग्र), and restraint, prevention & destruction (निरोध) & focussed, due to pure sattva. (Please note: Yoga has eight limbs – Yama, Niyama, Asana, Pranayama, Pratyahara, Dharana, Dhyana & Samadhi)
 

1. In Shrimad Bhagavad Gita, Bhagwan Krishna said:

 
समं कायशिरोग्रीवं धारयन्नचलं स्थिरः। संप्रेक्ष्य नासिकाग्रं स्वं दिशश्चानवलोकयन्।।6.13।।
प्रशान्तात्मा विगतभीर्ब्रह्मचारिव्रते स्थितः। मनः संयम्य मच्चित्तो युक्त आसीत मत्परः।।6.14।। युञ्जन्नेवं सदाऽऽत्मानं योगी नियतमानसः। शान्तिं निर्वाणपरमां मत्संस्थामधिगच्छति।।6.15।।

He should hold the body, head and neck straight and steady, remaining firm and fixing the gaze on the tip of his nose, without looking in other directions (13). He should be serene minded, firm in the pledge of complete chastity and fearless, keeping himself perfectly calm and with the mind held in restraint and fixed on Me (Brahman/Shree Krishna), the vigilant Yogi should sit absorbed in Me (Brahman/Shree Krishna) (14). Thus, constantly applying his mind to Me (Brahman/Shree Krishna), the Yogi of disciplined mind, attains everlasting peace and supreme Bliss (15).

Remedies – Impulse Control Mechanism: Scientific Approach:
Shri Shrikant M Ambike has very lucidly explained the impulse control mechanism (https://www.shrikantmambike.com/emotional-intelligence-the-impulse-control-wheel/) as under:

1. Self-awareness: One must know his / her general tendencies to trip on people or go mad at situations, be constantly in the mood of aggression, being impulsive on something, and finding it very difficult to hold back the urge to react impulsively, get back at something or somebody. Acceptance of his / her adverse behaviour and working on it for changes inside him / her.
2. Self-regulation: It refers to the act of taking responsibility for the emotions, defining core values of the life and developing trustworthiness i.e., you trust yourself; you can trust that you will respond to your emotions by doing what is the best for you and for those around you in any given situation.           
3. Identifying stressors & document it: The next important aspect towards impulse control is to identify the emotional triggers- in which conditions they set you off. On the face of it, it may seem to be an automatic response to thoughts and events and the use of the word trigger is critical because the reaction occurs automatically without much self-control. However, if one works on those triggers, the reaction just like everything else we do is a matter of choice. To be able to manage our impulses, we need to take charge of our emotions rather than allowing them to rule over us, and identifying stressors is one way towards it. The following are some of the stress elements due to which we may lose our impulse control:

1. Internal stressors: these can be temporary and applicable for a certain situation, depending upon your moods, anxieties, fears, and personality traits such as pessimism, perfectionism, and suspiciousness. It is the thought which gives rise to emotion and emotion will give rise to behaviour.
2. A person/place or a situation: You may get stressed and hence lose your impulse control due to a particular person with whom you may have some unpleasant past memories or some particular place which can trigger fear or nightmares because of the perceived danger or some situation like facing a dreadful boss/ a job interview can make your nervous.
3. Family issues: you may face some financial issues like a loss of money, loss of a job or being cheated by someone for a hefty amount and you may vent it out on the family quite often. These feelings of anxieties, worries about future/betrayal, etc. can take a toll on your impulse control. Sometimes, relationship changes with your spouse and others can also determine your emotional health.
4. Work pressure: if you don’t like the job, the office and the boss you are working with and on top of that continuously under the pressure of meeting challenging deadlines, budgets, and targets, you are a potential candidate for loss of impulse control.
5. Change: most of us like to be in the state of the status quo, i.e., our comfort zone. Any change in that, like a change of job, the additional responsibility of a team, change of city, changes in working due to technological changes and challenges in learning them, etc. can decide on how you maintain your composure when triggered with some external event that is deviating from the set norm.

1. Empathy: If you can be always in the mode of seeing the perspective of the other person, from where they are coming from, and trying to understand what they are going through, you will have much better control over your impulses. Our self-centred ways of dealing with every aspect of our life can mask our capability to think for other person and we may lose impulse control.
2. Managing relationships: failures to manage your impulses and frequent tripping over the people around you, especially your loved ones like, spouse, children, parents, very close friends, etc. can ruin these very delicate relationships so much that, they may no longer be your loved ones or you may cease to be in their loved one’s list. It’s OK if you are not able to manage your anger and other disruptive emotions once in a while, your closed ones will still be willing to understand you as ‘one-off case’ and let go off, but the problem starts when it becomes your routine to vent out your frustration on others, have contempt and disrespect for people around you, taking people for granted, self-absorbed perspectives, resorting to bulldozing and intimidation tactics in the office, spousal abuse, (both mental as well as physical), etc. The person may realize his/her mistake for losing out on his/her impulses and may even regret later, however, you may find that some bonds are difficult to be repaired once strained.

 
Here again, impulse control success will depend on how much you value your relationships with others. It has to take precedence over your overtly inflated egos, false sense of pride, arrogance, rudeness, conceitedness and being one up over the other attitude. Any relationship has to be a give and take.

1. Adaptability: Not all the conditions, situations and people will be in our control and never all the time. There will be occasions where we will be challenged in one, more, or all the above factors when things will not go as per our wish or the outcomes may not be as what we had expected them to be. Nor the conditions will remain the same as they have been. In fact, change is the only constant in life. The key here is to change yourself by managing your impulses to fit in the changed circumstances. Responding effectively to the new challenges and overcoming them and adjusting yourself to the situation and managing your teams while maintaining your composure is all about adaptability.

 
Charles Darwin wrote: It’s not the strongest of the species nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is most adaptable to change. How to be more adaptable while maintaining your impulses:

1. Practice holding back your first response long enough and thoughtfully responding to the situation rather than reacting.
2. Listen: Instead of spontaneous reaction, listen the other one fully, you are nonjudgmental and ready to take information which may give you an important breakthrough in deciding your further course of action in handling any situation.
3. Get feedback on your behaviour and identify alternative ways of behaving to be more effective in given situations.
4. Try laughing at yourself
5. Reducing the strength of stressors
6. Change your perspective: Some people who in the past have done something wrong to you, will throw you into a spiral of anger or depression. For such people first have some compassion and try to let go of all those emotions attached with the disturbing memories. Try to admire him / her for some of his qualities like his integrity, intellect, etc.
7. Prepare yourself: Recognize due to what reasons/habits/ or behaviours of the people around you, you trip on them. Never lose your temper by jumping to the conclusions that the other person is behaving in a particular manner just to displace you out of your head.
8. Living in the present: Most of us go mad or show greedy tendencies because we focus on the fears/uncertainties of tomorrow or the worries and troubles of yesterday. Choose to live in the current moment. The more you are mindful and living in the ‘now’ the more is the possibility of you having the impulse control because most impulsive reactions are a result of that we having some past beliefs about our self, about people or situations or perceived dangers about the future which most times are not true. With poor impulse control we may be always in the panicky mode.